Britney Spears Is An American Avatar

Not too many people were on board with my A-Rod killed Cory Lidle theory, but hear me out on this one: Britney Spears is the modern allegory for the United States of America.

Remember back in the late nineties when everyone loved Britney? I do. People bought her albums even though she was pumping out the same teen pop that America has produced since the 50s. Every guy I knew wanted to at least just see her naked because, God, we gotta figure out what's up with those boobs. Not until she turned 18, though.

Remember back in the late nineties when everyone loved America? The only thing we had to worry about was if our President got a hummer or not from some college girl. That was great.

And now look what's happened - Britney/America fell off. Britney/America married some no-talent idiot who's done nothing but make her look terrible. The idiot has embarrassed her on a day-to-day basis, saying retarded shit on TV, hanging out with his punk friends and being an overall drain on her. Then, Britney/America had a life-changing experience. She got pregnant, we got attacked.

America pulled together. We wanted to fucking kill those guys, and dammit, Britney's gonna be the one to do it for us, we thought. And even though Britney's baby made her look like a mom now and nothing like the old Britney we wanted to see naked, we'd still be up for a little peep show in a pinch. We thought that with the baby around and the stakes high, the idiot she married would stop being such an idiot and own up to some responsibility.

Wrong. Wrongwrong wrong.

Instead of manning up and focusing on his kid, her husband got her pregnant again and now Britney/America had TWO kids on her hands and she was starting to look a little haggard. Like, gross. And he was still out there, partying with his punk friends like nothing was going on at home, like his wife hadn't lost her looks that made her rich and was now apparently doomed to a life of being non-stop barefoot and pregnant.

And then, to top it off, The President/K-Fed thought in the middle of all this that it would be a good idea to put out an album? Well, no one else thought that would be good, but Britney/America decided that she would pay for it. And the album dropped, and it sucked total balls, and Popozao/Stay the Course was not at all resembling anything that anyone ever wanted to hear.

Britney/America woke up recently, took a good long look around at her two kids/wars, at her idiot husband/President and his fuck-up friends and their extravagant lifestyle and decided that she'd had enough. She stopped eating Taco Bell, got off the couch and dropped like, 30 pounds in a month. She waited and waited, teasing K-Fed/the President with her new good looks, and I'm sure he thought "Oh, good, everything's looking great for me. I'm pretty good at this husband thing." The next thing he knows - BAM - divorce. One minute all of your friends are telling you how great of a job you're doing, the next minute you and you're friends are losing your asses on CNN. One minute you're shooting a day-in-the-life special for some Canadian MTV show, the next you're getting fuckin' stone cold dumped in a text message.

So Britney/America is cool now. She's still got those two kids that she's got to take care of, but she's looking good and is taking control of her own life, God bless her.

UPDATE: As soon as Britney started hanging out with Paris Hilton this argument lost all merit. Dammit.



**Thanks to What Would Tyler Durden Do, The Superficial, and CNN for the links**