Welcome to 2006, My Friends

Hey, look over there on the right. My friends Worm and Pat at Amazing Schlock started a blog last month which will give them something else to do besides delay putting "Sledgehammers at Dawn" out. Ha! Too inside...? You should check it out - they're big time movie writers and skit-makers that have had stuff on Funnyordie.com for a while. They also redid their website to make it a little more businessey and to showcase the work that people who could potentially give them money would care about. I do miss reading the bios of my high school friends, though.

Go over there, check out their genius and give them props. Like, hella props.

Who Needs Sleep When You've Got Baseball?

Last night's MLB All Star Game was one of the greatest baseball games I've ever seen. Holy crap, it was long, but after about the 5th inning it was pretty freaking exciting. I've watched MLB All Star games since the time of Kirby Puckett - I love watching the players, sure, but I mostly love watching how our small-market Twins (3-5) fit in with the likes of the rat-bastard Yankees (1-5).

Joe Mauer reaching down to unbuckle his ankle guard while the ump called a questionable strike two, getting back into his stance and immediately reaching down again and walking to first after another close pitch was classic. He was making the calls, dammit. I also like how Joe Mauer wasn't afraid to take a walk in the All Star game. It's like softball - all the big hitters would rather pop out to the shortstop than just take a walk and help the team.

The suspense was great, the multiple bases-loaded, end-game scenarios were exciting, and Dan Uggla's incompetence was embarrassing. These things I think will be said and said again. I don't think anyone will mention, however, that the guys that won and lost the game are not at all stars. Sure, they were on the team, but seriously. Dave already blogged about the disrespect the media gave our favorite Canadian home-run champ, but think about all of the other players out there and how little of a narrative there was for them.

Anyone staying up for the full game got to see five at-bats for Morneau, who hit twice, was walked once and incidentally scored the winning run. They got to see Russell Martin throw some serious heat to catch a speedy Kinsler stealing (another name that's been lost in the Josh Hamilton-mania, by the way). Clint Hurdle probably made a mistake putting Guzman in for Ramirez after only one at bat but Guzman got to show off his glove at 3rd base for the rest of the game. I was happy to see all of these players from small-market or less-covered teams get the national spotlight for such a huge chunk of the game.

By the end of the game, however, I wanted Joe Buck to go to bed. His complete hackery was apparent as he had absolutely nothing to say for any player out there after the front-liners besides "he's the second-to-last pitcher in the bullpen." Look at your goddamn media guide, dude. If Bert Blyleven can fill entire innings of Twins/Royals baseball by talking about some of the REAL no-names in the league, surely Joe can come up with something the say about Evan Longoria besides "he's a rookie." Jesus.

The Brewers Are Fucking Dicks

I count the Brewers as my second favorite team, behind of course the Twins. I was happy to see Corey Hart and his sunglasses that he wears at night get voted as the last fan-chosen addition to the All-Star team because he plays ball with a combination of power and speed that is really exciting.

But holy shit, the rest of the Brewers can fuck off.

He's up there at the post-game press conference with his cute little daughter, enjoying the moment, and then WOOSH, here comes the panic. Not only does this pack of mongoloids pour beer on a three year old girl but the douche-train plows the tables right in to her.

God, if Rickie Weeks and Bill Hall were as good at hitting for average as they are scaring children I would be ok with just handing the pennant to Ned Yost and saying "You know what? Let's just take the rest of the summer off and go to Lake Geneva." If I were Corey Hart I would celebrate by punching every one of those guys in the fucking nuts and dousing their wives and children with rubbing alcohol while laughing and lighting a fat cigar with a blowtorch.

So good job, Corey. Tell your teammates to eat a dick real fast.

Corey hart
by bsap11