Uh Oh...

I'm not worried about me because I remain, as I have been, a Friend of the Monkeys. It's the rest of you I'm worried about. What happens when they come for you? Think about it. Because they're coming.

I Hope You Can See This, Because I'm Doing It As Hard As I Can

People in Boston need to relax. Commuters freaked out when they saw these things all over town and called the fuzz. Typical. That's just the kind of terror that the Mooninites inflict upon their hapless victims. My favorite overreaction from the chumps at Boston City Hall:

"It's clear the intent was to get attention by causing fear and unrest that there was a bomb in that location."

At least the citizens of Boston understand what's going on and how ridiculous this is:

About a dozen fans gathered outside Charlestown District Court on Thursday morning with signs saying "1-31-07 Never Forget" and "Free Peter."

"We're the laughing stock," said Tracy O'Connor, 34.

"It's almost too easy to be a terrorist these days," said Jennifer Mason, 26. "You stick a box on a corner and you can shut down a city."

I only wish I had cable so I could see Adult Swim's reaction on the bumps. If you see any, post them in the comments!

Update: I even beat the Daily Kos to the punch on this one, but he's a much better writer so here's a link to his post.

The New Heroin

I have a horrible addiction. It's not destroying my life yet, but I'm sure it will. It's Lost. It rules. Jamie and I have knocked out the first season on Netflix and we're in trouble. We don't want to do anything else except sit on my new Lovesac (A Christmas present. So, so great.) and eat Jimmy Johns and drink wine and watch Lost and look at each other and go "What the hell's going on?"

What the hell IS going on? What's the deal with the polar bears? What's up with Ethan and how did he get that superhuman strength? How did Claire escape? What's down that hatch? But most of all, what in the hell is that "security system?" AND WHO WERE THOSE ASSHOLES THAT TOOK WALT?!!!

Don't answer any of that. Season Two comes in the mail today.

My Dream Come True. Seriously.

You have to know that above all of God's creatures I love monkeys the most. More than you. Almost more than me. So you can imagine the minute or two of complete rapture I experienced here when I got to hold them. It was well worth the five bucks. Because I planted hypnotic microchips in their fur and they will soon be making their way to Minnesota to be the first members of my monkey army. Or maybe my all-monkey punk band. We will also bring back ska.

Mexican Police are Badass...

...just like me!

This was in Playa Del Carmen over the Christmas week. That's my sister, her boyfriend Jimmy, me of course, and some Mexican cop. With an uzi. I didn't get to take a picture of the Mexican Naval Beach Patrol walking around with M16 and bily clubs at the ready, but trust me - they were awesome!

My New Whip

Yesterday I bought a new car! This is because I totaled my old Ford Explorer on the Thursday before Christmas in that first icy storm like a first year driver. I was pretty mad at myself considering I've driven through blizzards in Canada no problem. So I got my insurance cash, went looking and found a 99 Acura 3.2 TL.

This thing is tits. Leather, sunroof, heated seats, lasers, oil slicks... it's got everything. That insurance money really helped for the down payment and my monthlies are pretty low. So if you see me driving around town be sure to try not to crap your pants with total envy.

This has to be the funniest thing I've seen all year, mostly because it was either this or get Jamie a new dress and a nice dinner.

Well, to be honest, I gave her this later. The waiter was like "And here's our dessert fondue menu," and I was like "No thank you my good sir, I have a special desert for my baby right here." She loved it.